This won't be a funny post or even one about anything in the tabloids. No advice. No tips.
Today's post is what goes on in a Mothers head when she thinks shes failed as a mom.
There is one certain way to break a mom,a true mom. That's her thinking she has failed her own kids.
My son's report card came in today. He's in kindergarten so it comes a bit differently then your average A-F for grades. It stated every place hes at,every test he has done..etc.
My son,my oldest...my only son... Came in on 3 out of 5 tests at a 2 yr old level. He will be 6 in April.
Let me take a moment to breathe.Cry. And continue.
He has always had speech problems. Never were addressed until he was 3 and by that point my Ex husband was not winning father of the year awards and snapped at his speech teacher and his services ended. Then he went right into Kindergarten. I am not sitting here and blaming his dad. I am sitting here and blaming me. I should have stood up for him and I didn't. I did eventually which is why I divorced his dad.
Homework is a struggle. Anything learning is a struggle unless he wants too and its hands on. He still can't write his name. He can count though!! His math is lovely. His reading and writing, not good. His following directions, not good. His attention span in school, not good. Apparently he can not sing either but neither can I. Gym he got a 3 on it all. Arts,3 on it all. Graded from 1-3.
But when I turn the pages and read about is test scores. My body almost felt like it had shut down. I stood in my kitchen and I just let the tears flow.
My kids are my pride and joy. But I have always had connection issues with my son and I have always known hes had learning issues. Put those together and I have no idea how to help him. I will stay up all night if it means I am helping him learn. I will do what ever I need too.
First step is getting his eyes checked. But where do I go from there? How can I incorporate ALL that he needs to improve on into his daily life all before 7:30pm bed time? I printed off sheets for him during his vacation that he did fine. I made a 1-10 poster for his room. His carpet is a ABC's carpet. I ask questions so he will answer. He's not spoiled so he knows how to follow directions. Yet hes still not where he needs to be and that scares me.
I feel like I failed as a mom.
I feel like there is nothing left for me to do if I can not even be a mom the right way.
I heard already how this is not my fault.
I don't understand how people can say that to me.
I am his mom. If he fails then that means so do I. So have I.
I'm angry. I'm angry that I can't just make him get this.I can't make him have close friendships because he talks like a 2 yr old does,which I think is unfairly stated on that report card... I might be bias but he can talk better then a 2 yr old!!
Determination will set in now and I will try my hardest to succeed as a mom. But I have days where I am just down. I have to feel like a good mom. You can tell me all the time how I am but I need to see it,feel it and believe it myself. I need to see it in my kids. Feel it for myself and believe it enough to not feel like I need to make changes. I am sitting here already making decisions. Changing how some things will be done. My son is a smart kid. I know it. I know he can do this.
If I could share my struggles with other parents it might help but I sit alone. My son and I are in one corner while the rest of the people we know are in another. No one else knows what I am going through it seems. I know there are moms and parents just like me but sadly I do not know any of them. My son is alone. That's what kills me. My son is fighting this battle too.
There is so much more I could write on this. And I might. One day. For now. Changes.Determination and love. Hopefully by the spring report card I can update you and tell you his testing came back at a 5 yr old level. =D
?Raven?
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