Being a divorced Mom...

Being a divorced mom is so much more then just getting over it and moving on.

Let me give you a back ground view here.

I almost didn't show up for my wedding on Oct,27th 2007. I can not remember if it was my sister or my niece that said "Are you about ready?" and I almost said "No, Can you go tell them its off" and instead of I muttered something or another and out the door we went. I love my dad more then anything but I am pretty sure I got married just to make him half way happy even though he never cared for my ex. First year was not that bad. 2nd year I was over him and the marriage.
Worst part is I never let anyone know. To them I probably made them pull their hair out because I actually acted like I was some what on his side. When secretly I had other plans. Now I had my kids back to back so right after having my amazing daughter is when I decided I was done.
Why I didn't tell my family. Why I let them get SO angry with me, I have no idea. 3rd year went by with lots of break ups and him leaving, 4th year was nothing but a we are staying because we both can not afford to handle what mess we got ourselves into type situation. Never saw the 5th.Not as a couple anyway. We acknowledged it but both were long gone from a relationship. At this point I met my now boyfriend,Rich.

Everyone tried to warn me about Rich haha. As you might know we are 16yrs apart. He is divorced as well. But him and I work together like Chips and dip.  I can't stand his procrasination but other then that hes amazing. And I am sure he can not stand my mood swings. I'm English and Scottish what can I say?

But no matter how wonderful my relationship is now..I struggle every day to not regret the time with my ex. I feel stupid.  I screwed up showing people I can be mature by lying to my family. I have to keep my mind under control when it comes to this topic.

I have to put that all aside though and remember I am still a mom. And thats where..being a divorced mom is harder then it looks.

I have to remember to NEVER bad mouth my ex in front of the kids and that rule applies for everyone. So far I have an amazing group of people in my life who do that for me,negative comments are made directly to me with the kids not knowing. 

I had to make a decision on how I wanted to bring Rich into their lives. Thankfully he understood my views. He is not dad. He is Rich. I see so many people who every boyfriend is dad to their kids and frankly that  bothers me.

It stuns me to see how parents act right in front of their kids or how they talk to them about the other parent.  Its one thing to want to be honest to your kids about the other. But to down right try to pin them against the other parent by bringing up the marriage or what went on. 

Example I know an ex wife who has no problem telling her preteen that her dad was sleeping with (enter names of woman). Shes angry. Who wouldn't be. But you do not speak that way. You keep that to yourself.

Being divorced means you have to work together with someone you probably dislike. In my case I hate. I can not be a team with him. I can not call him up and ask him to take my son because his attitude is out of control. Why? My ex husband lives in a hotel with his pregnant girlfriend and carries around a 9in knife on his belt.  Not what I want my kids thinking is okay.
I can not ask him for things because currently for the umpteenth time he is jobless. Not the economy this is all his fault.

I have to be civil. I really shouldn't have to be. I do not have a good dad for my kids,he is a drug addict,excuse making,weapon wearing,disgusting pervert of a man.  

If your ex is a good parent then all the anger from the relationship and everything else should be wiped clean. That is so much easier said then done. Wow. But it helps. Trust me it helps. I do not think about anyting from my marriage 98% of the time. No matter what you need to do to cleanse your self of the anger and hostility. Do it. Its worth it to your kids to understand we can not take the easy way out. That we can not choose anger over burying the past. That sometimes we have to deal with things even though we want to hide.

Stand in my shoes.(Not that its a horrible place to be) I have watched a man disintegrate into a worthless human. Harsh. It is. True though. I have watched him take money from his single mom. I have watched him NEVER call to ask about the kids. I have seen him struggle beyond belief because of his actions. I have seen him say he has no food but smoke weed. And I still act civil in front of my kids. I remember what I want my kids to be like. I remember how I want them to act when they are older. I don't want them to hate life because someone might have ruined it for a short period. I do not want them to think not working is okay. Or carrying a knife is sensible.  And so much more. 
I am thankful enough to know that Rich can not replace their dad in their eyes but one day they will understand why I left their dad. They will realize just how amazing and important Rich is. They will pick up on his hard work. His calm attitude. How he treats woman. All things I want taught to my kids. 
I trust my kids. I trust they will think reasonable when the time comes. More of us need to trust that. Let our kids write their own book. Let them decide. We might not agree but time will do what we can not. That bad people tend to burn their bridges and open peoples eyes all on their own.

Bashing a great parent for what they did or did not do is not okay. Ruining someones image as a parent is not okay. One of worst kind of parent is the ones who tell their kids lies to get them on their side of the playing field against the other parent.  We are still a team even if we don't try after a divorce. We can not put things into our kids heads. We have to make sure the truth is being told by all. Kids.Family.The ex. Etc.

Our past and the chapters it holds need to be closed so we can concentrate on raising kids.We need to make it as smooth going as we can.

I try. Harder when you have a dead beat you are trying to work with. Count your blessings.
Being a divorcee is not the worst thing.
In the beginning I felt refreshed & happy. Now because he has caused so much stress on myself and my kids I am back to being angry. I need to step out of the game for a bit and re group. I have the right to be angry but there is things I can do to make this whole thing easier for everyone. Well not easier unless he is 7 states away from me but smoother maybe. I work alone. I am the better parent,he is not. 
Thankfully I have a great support team. I think maturely. I think before I react when it comes to my ex.

Now I am going to go deal with a smashed window,laundry,ear ache,animals,lunch and all that mom stuff. I do it alone until 5pm then Rich is right by my side. He is not dad but he is my team mate. 
I am a divorced Mom of two and I am more happy now then ever. My kids are better now then ever. Taken care of.

?Raven?